Confetti Is SO Not Fun

That’s why we have Funfetti®!!

Smeat This On A CakeStupid colored bits of paper! That’s not fun. That is trash.

This is trash

Give me something branded.
Give me something I can smear on a cake.
And give me something with a registered trademark!

Registered Funfetti

Screw the children!

What Is Sensational To A Bird…

… is not a source of food.

You’re a bird.
You found a source of food.
Is that really sensational or just another day being a bird?

Sensational Bird Life Big Whoop

Yes I was in a wild bird food store yesterday and these past 2 entries are from that store. Ya never know where you’ll find marketing madness I tell ya!

SHHH!! They’ll Never Know We’re Not Whole Foods!

I wonder if the owner of this bodega on the Lower East Side was like:

“What the hell? If we get just a few more customers wandering in because they think we’re Whole Foods, it’ll be worth getting the name.”

Whole Sorta Like Foods Almost

And, that children, is how The Wholesome Foods Bodega got its name! Okay, everybody night night!!

How Can They Be Mommy and Daddy Without Any Children?

A large conference room with COPYWRITERS 1, 2, 3 and 4 and the BOSS, an all-too-typical balding white guy in his 40s, chewing on pistachios. On the table are a whole lot of colored circular sponges with holes in them.

Mommy Is SOOO Clean!

We WILL NOT be just be another spongey cleaning product!? Yeah there’s a smiley face on it but, so what? This calls for a gimmick. Some kinda name, I wanna personalize it.

Cleaning Lady!

Nahh … misogynist

Buddy Wipe!!

What?! Sounds too much like Butt Wipe

Spongy Friend??

Sounds like some old friend who comes by asking for money!

COPYWRITER 4 (the good copywriter)
What about something cute, like Mommy, Daddy. Scrub Mommy, Scrub Daddy…?

NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’!! Why can’t the rest of you be like Copywriter 4 who always nails it!?

And so, Children of Scrub Mommy and Daddy … that’s the story of how your parents came to be. Now, lights out and sweet dreams……

I Want To Kill Something. Do I Need A Squad Or A Hunter?

From 2 competing direct-mail pieces doing the same damned thing arriving on the same damned day:


Hunters Kill ... leave the kids and dog aloneSquads can kill and are more of a team and not has deadly. Lighten up!



The only good mosquito hunter is a dead mosquito hunter

The only bad mosquito is a live mosquito

Okay, so Mosquito Hunter has a nice sorta Nigel Thornberry (Of the Wild Thornberry’s cartoon) vibe.

Safari Hunter Dude with Australian bush hat

But, really, he’s kinda holding the mosquito like a pet.

Then again, he’s about to crush the bastard.

Why does the Mosquito have a sorta Dracula-ish helmet haircut thing goin?

Squad Guy is a little hipper and a more contemporary feel.

But then … are those … Man Boobs?

Prominent in the Squad piece is … dead bugs. Kinda dark huh?

The only dead bug is a good bug

Whereas the Hunter has a more positive, ethnically-diverse, animal-friendly feeling happening.

You know what though? They are both White Men carrying weapons. The whole thing is a disgrace and I don’t want to have anything to do with them.

Let the Mosquitos take over!


Can’t Wait For Albanian Eels Next!

Kids dare each other to lick to dog!I can just hear the ideas bouncing around the JellyBelly conference room:

“We are getting killed … KILLED … by Swedish Fish!”

“Quick! Another animal. From another place.”

“Tallahasee Pigs?”


“Siberian Buffalo?”


“Scottie Dogs”

“Now you’re talking!!”

And Children, THAT’S the true story of how Scottie Dogs came to be!!