Just Shut Up You Stupid Salad

The salad doesn’t need a spokesperson. The salad doesn’t even need to speak. 

Just Shut Up Salad

This is copy for copy’s sake. Ya can’t just put a picture of a salad out there and say, “Look at this nice salad.”

Where’s the attitude? Where’s the word play? Where’s the sizzle

(Actually, there shouldn’t be ‘sizzle’ because this is salad and nobody wants their salad sizzling.) 

One picture is worth a thousand calories. One salad is worth … well, whatever they charge for all the toppings, plus tax …  and you’ll need a drink so it’s probably about 13 bucks.

Eggspensive Toppings
eggspensive toppings

Ya need some words that say something, that speak for the salad. So, really, by virtue of the sign and the copy, you’re speaking for the salad, asshole! The salad DOES need a spokesperson! You’re contradicting yourself, Copywriter!!

But can we blame the copywriter? She probably was so sick and tired of coming up with stuff to say about salad she figured she’d do the old switcheroo on us and let the salad do the talking. And, the poor copywriter works for a company called … JUST SALAD!

Just Salad Is All This Is

So really, this is a cry for help from the copywriter. This is basically the copywriter pleading with the world …

DON’T MAKE ME WRITE MORE COPY ABOUT SALAD!!  I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!

And then she reasoned:

I know what to do!!

I will put words in the salad’s mouth.

And you will put the salad on your mouth.

Maybe that was the first draft of this ad. But then the Creative Director looked at it and said,

What the fuck are you talking about? Have you lost your fucking mind?! Now go back and write some proper copy! 

But she couldn’t let go of the talking salad idea. And needed to play it out. And that’s how we wound up with this dreck. By the way, the salad sign is on a thing we call a sandwich board. (more fucked up nonsense).

Salad and Sandwich Board

Oh and what’s with their logo? Why does it look like some kind of diaper or something?

Diaper Salad

Diaper Salad Bowl Poopie

Diaper salad.

Ocean Bound Windex

I am misreading it but this seems to be just screaming at me:
“THIS BOTTLE IS HEADED STRAIGHT TO THE GREAT PACIFIC TRASH GYRE!! DON’T YOU WORRY!!!”

Pacific Ocean Windex

The copy on this label has a just a little too much emphasis on the words “Ocean Bound Plastic” which kinda overwhelms the lil’ “bottle made of”

Mislabeled Label

Extra Copy Means Extra Madness

Expect the stretch to stretch your belief in copywriters

That “Expect The Stretch” is what I call “Stretch copy” (yeah I just made that up)

Creative Director doesn’t like the blank space and wants something else there, even if it adds no value or make any sense whatsoever. And the poor copywriter has to come up with some word play, some double entendre … ANYthing to fill that space.

And, Children, that is how Expect The Stretch wound up on the box for the Super Stretch Spider Web Halloween Packaging. Good night! Drive safely!

Watermelon Color Bumble Bee Halloween Candy Shampoo Yogurt Rice Starch

Much to critique and demolish here … join me!

Fructis Garnier Drink Yogurt Shampoo

#1

I get that the message here is WATERMELON RED fruity healthy upbeat happy. But that shampoo bottle looks a little too much like a yogurt drink, right?

#2

And while they’re throwing COLORdid anyone stop to think what color represents “Yes” and which “No.” Red/Green = Stop/Go, right? Yes, no? Not really, sorta.
Rice Starch: “Yes AND Green!”
Silicones:”No AND Green!”
Plumping: “Yes AND Red!”
What is Plumping: “Yes!!
Columns to organize information: WTF?! No but YES!!! 

NoMeansYesNoYes

#3

And finally. how did Halloween colors and costumes get mixed up in here? And why is Drew Barrymore wearing a bumble bee costume? Is it Fall already?! Summer’s over???

Drew Bumblbeeee

How Can They Be Mommy and Daddy Without Any Children?

SCENE:
A large conference room with COPYWRITERS 1, 2, 3 and 4 and the BOSS, an all-too-typical balding white guy in his 40s, chewing on pistachios. On the table are a whole lot of colored circular sponges with holes in them.

Mommy Is SOOO Clean!

BOSS:
We WILL NOT be just be another spongey cleaning product!? Yeah there’s a smiley face on it but, so what? This calls for a gimmick. Some kinda name, I wanna personalize it.

COPYWRITER 1:
Cleaning Lady!

BOSS:
Nahh … misogynist

COPYWRITER 2:
Buddy Wipe!!

BOSS:
What?! Sounds too much like Butt Wipe

COPYWRITER 3:
Spongy Friend??

BOSS:
Sounds like some old friend who comes by asking for money!

COPYWRITER 4 (the good copywriter)
What about something cute, like Mommy, Daddy. Scrub Mommy, Scrub Daddy…?

BOSS:
NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’!! Why can’t the rest of you be like Copywriter 4 who always nails it!?

And so, Children of Scrub Mommy and Daddy … that’s the story of how your parents came to be. Now, lights out and sweet dreams……