Look Over Here! It’s An Ad For Kah Chof Kah Fie Seh!!

Kah Chok Fee Ess
Let’s review:

  1. OKAY: Everybody’s attention is sliced into so much click bait and streaming media nobody has attention anymore and — oh look shiny objects … what was I saying? Oh yeah, advertisers go hard for eyeballs! “TV! Websites! Celebrities! What about … COFFEE SLEEVES? We can grab ’em there!”
  2. BUT: Y’know, coffee makes a horrible stain. How do you clean stains? Detergent! But how to make people buy detergent when they’re drinking coffee … and you are NOT allowed to put detergent in their coffee…hmm? How about … we put something on the coffee cup or something.
  3. AND: Detergent ads: so Old Skool Mad Men. We be cool and hip and do a logo and a website and a rhyme ya “Stain Brain” you, and a gimmick and copy and design and everybody get busy and create! We have awards to win!!
  4. GO: Make up words. Or play with words. More! MORE!! Letters!! HURRY … campaign … not much time … Coffee Sleeves to printer, run of 87 million!
  5. PLUS: Gimme some tagline for this all. How about: “Style is an option. Clean is not”
  6. stain brain drain pain
  7. WAIT: WTF?! Is style an option? Is clean not an option? Why is clean not an option? Could style not be an option? Does you brain have a stain on it trying to reason this through? Hang on … we are not done! Say this out loud with me:

KAH-CHOF-KAH-FIE-SEH!!!

HOORAY!!! Advertising Sells Everything!

Oh You Think Shopping Is SOOOO Easy!!!

Oh sure! Just use a basket.

Basket Makes Shopping TOO Easy

And then what!? Do I walk through the store and, what, just pull things off the shelf and put them in the basket?! And then, when I think I’ve had enough … what?? … I just make my way out of the store!?! And show someone what I picked out!? And they’re going to let me walk the hell out of there and all I have to do is pay for it!!??  Yeah right … SOOO EASY!!

Put these signs up all over the place and think we’re gonna just get sucked right into it. Nope! Not me!

I want difficult shopping! Impossibly complex, painful shopping! No signs telling me what to do. I want to wander aimlessly on my hands and knees, crawling around unable to see a thing, bumping into people’s legs, having heavy cans fall off the shelf onto my head and wind up unconscious and carried out of the store by security. Now THAT’S SHOPPING!!

DON’T BELIEVE THE SIGNS IN STORES PEOPLE!!!!

 
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Enticing, Mouth-Watering Words For A Restaurant Website

Restaurants Are BACK!! And what better way to emphasize that than to include links on your website like “Scratch Kitchen,” “Whole Homemade Desserts,” “40 Craft Beers,” and “COVID MITIGATION”

Covid Cheese and Crackers

…and why not further hook those hungry customers so when they click on “COVID MITIGATION” they see more gustatory verbiage, like “Virus Vaporizing”

Virus Vaporizing For Dinner
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Beyond The Bed And The Bath Is … The Home

So the Big Box Bed Bath & Beyond isn’t really a store after Covid because retail is dead and we’re all stuck at home. How will they spin that and make us feel better?

Home Bath Bed Head Beyond Dead

Easy!

  • Home, happier
  • Shop, lazily
  • Deliver, immediately

The Big Box Stores are now warehouses for our stuff. Happier?

This Is Just Sad

Everybody knows sales drop off the closer you get to the freight elevator.

The Manager had to find a place to shove the Deer Park water bottles they were pushing. Knowing this was not a good spot he asked one of the stock boys to make a simple sign, nothing fancy. Good signage is the mark of smart marketing.

And there it is.

And the stuff just flew off the shelves. Flew.

Did Anybody Ask Nature What SHE Thinks?

 

Well I talked to Nature and she said:

“I would never drink soda! I can drink ANY mineral water I want since I created them all! At the end of a long day, however, I do love a fine glass of Chevalier-Montrachet La Cabotte Chardonnay.

“Sierra Mist?? I friggin’ created the real mist IN the Sierras!! There’s no sugar in that! In fact, smartypants, the Sierras are not known for mist as the air rarely gets oversaturated with moisture. Just sayin'”

A Baker’s Dozen Of Marketing Madness

The thing that first attracted me to this Marketing Madness was the “Baker’s Dozen” highlighted in red below. So I decided to see if I could come up with 13 (baker’s dozen, get it?) reasons why this website is awful.

1. Notice the big white space on the side of the page? That’s because whoever built this page, never thought there might be a screen that’s larger than a piece of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper!

2. BTW, on a phone it’s even crappier. Responsive much?

3. Nice try adding some, oh let’s call it ‘graphics’ up there. Ya have your basic business-suit, white lady arms folded at a resolution of twenty-crappy by forty-crapola pixels.

4. While we’re trashing that image selection, let’s not forget the diluted gang of pseudo business people drained of all color but blue.

5. Which brings us to the business itself: background checks. The subtext here is “I’m smiling and I have my arms folder because they’re doing a background check behind me and I have no idea who these blue people are and I am SURE I’m gonna pass because I’m a confident business woman with my arms folded smiling (at a very low resolution)”

6. Logo? Another fail. 3 curved horn sorta triangle shapes that say, “We’re a triangle. We think. We are Three. We represent, uh, three things.”

7. While we’re on that Three Thing, what’s under the logo. Of course, the Three Things. But 2 are things and the other is a preposition or some temporal factor. Which one of these is not like the other? “Productivity confidence now” does not a sentence make.

This calls for a modern copywriting trope: One. Word. Sentence.
“Productivity.” Boom … ya got a sentence.
“Confidence.” Another sentence!
“Now.” Three.

8. Let’s not forget Subheads … and what an assortment! We have one that is 19px and the lead-in to a paragraph with real punctuation. Then 4 others go to 21px size but, let’s not be TOO consistent. One Doesn’t Have Initial Caps! One has italics!

9. Blue. Too much blue. Boring, plain, just-another-corporate-site blue. Blew it.

10. All fields on the form are required but then do you need to have an asterisk for all fields…which are required anyway?

11. The Baker’s Dozen! What the MF is this?? A Baker’s Dozen of what? If you’re #1 do I need to know there’s  12 others behind you? Why even make reference to some no-name organization that gives out prizes to 12 other companies?

12. 2009?! This Baker’s Dozen has been getting moldy for 12 years and you’re still telling us about it like it’s yesterday!?

13 And who is HRO? And why does it look like there’s an exclamation after their name?