This one was asking for it. They’re too excited. The glass heart is weird. And everybody’s too happy. But I just felt like singing along!
Author: lrsachs
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I can’t run advertising on a website that makes fun of advertising.
Not because the advertisers wouldn’t like it. They could care less.
I wouldn’t like it. YOU wouldn’t like it.
But I need to promote this. As everyone knows, in order to promote something…
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- You need to tell people about it
- Then you need to remind those people that you told them about it
- And then you need to ask those people to tell other people about it
- And then you need to remind those people to tell other people about it and on and on and ON until you piss off everybody but somebody still visits your site.
I hate that because it works.
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Manikins Are Not People … Nor Should They Ever Be Treated As Such
I spotted these manikins a few years back and thought: “What the hell? Half-headed, white stylized human figures … something’s not right!” If only I could make a joke out of it.
But then I spotted these creatures …
Real Live, Old School, Childhood Nightmare Manikins and realized ….
“OHH!! The half-headed manikins are weird. But plain, old manikins are absolutely horrifying!”
Look Over Here! It’s An Ad For Kah Chof Kah Fie Seh!!
Let’s review:
- OKAY: Everybody’s attention is sliced into so much click bait and streaming media nobody has attention anymore and — oh look shiny objects … what was I saying? Oh yeah, advertisers go hard for eyeballs! “TV! Websites! Celebrities! What about … COFFEE SLEEVES? We can grab ’em there!”
- BUT: Y’know, coffee makes a horrible stain. How do you clean stains? Detergent! But how to make people buy detergent when they’re drinking coffee … and you are NOT allowed to put detergent in their coffee…hmm? How about … we put something on the coffee cup or something.
- AND: Detergent ads: so Old Skool Mad Men. We be cool and hip and do a logo and a website and a rhyme ya “Stain Brain” you, and a gimmick and copy and design and everybody get busy and create! We have awards to win!!
- GO: Make up words. Or play with words. More! MORE!! Letters!! HURRY … campaign … not much time … Coffee Sleeves to printer, run of 87 million!
- PLUS: Gimme some tagline for this all. How about: “Style is an option. Clean is not”
- WAIT: WTF?! Is style an option? Is clean not an option? Why is clean not an option? Could style not be an option? Does you brain have a stain on it trying to reason this through? Hang on … we are not done! Say this out loud with me:
KAH-CHOF-KAH-FIE-SEH!!!
HOORAY!!! Advertising Sells Everything!
Those Smart Domain Squatters Know How To Monetize It, I Tell Ya!
The internet, as we all know, is a license to print money. Look what THIS genius did who owns the domain www.nysiloam.com.
Raking it in selling Boy Suit black tuxedo 5pcs with free Shirt and tie! All because people stumble in looking for, umm … how did I get here? I think I was looking for “loam.”
But now I want a boy’s suit and tie shirt black tuxedo 5 pieces of something click for more information tie jacket boy haircut might be missing his right arm spikey hair suit. Must have….
Contextual Advertising At Its Best
A little old but worth a laugh. One of those fan sites supported by advertising, in this case, QuiBids (another web business of questionable practicality) buys ad space wherever the hell and … lo and behold … with the word “mix” on the site then there’s just a chance someone might be thinking:
“I need a mixer for that cake. Because Drake likes cake. He likes to bake. And take a flake …” 
Oh fuck the cake and Drake and the mixer and elixir and … and ……
Do You Know Which Emoji Represents Depression
Clinically, if I were to examine this, the emoji is presenting signs of bipolar 1 but I’m not a doctor.
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(we have no advertising because we are mocking advertising, get it?)
If We Digitize It, They Will Buy
Using that mentality, someone over at the Salad Package Design Team came up with this, uh, system to help us, uh, EAT.
Gives new meaning to the expression: “My salad is off the charts!”
I Don’t Care How Cool Apple and Jony Ive Is…
… when an ad for the “3 Worst Prostate Foods” translucently floats in, it’s no longer cool.
Oh You Think Shopping Is SOOOO Easy!!!
Oh sure! Just use a basket.
And then what!? Do I walk through the store and, what, just pull things off the shelf and put them in the basket?! And then, when I think I’ve had enough … what?? … I just make my way out of the store!?! And show someone what I picked out!? And they’re going to let me walk the hell out of there and all I have to do is pay for it!!?? Yeah right … SOOO EASY!!
Put these signs up all over the place and think we’re gonna just get sucked right into it. Nope! Not me!
I want difficult shopping! Impossibly complex, painful shopping! No signs telling me what to do. I want to wander aimlessly on my hands and knees, crawling around unable to see a thing, bumping into people’s legs, having heavy cans fall off the shelf onto my head and wind up unconscious and carried out of the store by security. Now THAT’S SHOPPING!!
DON’T BELIEVE THE SIGNS IN STORES PEOPLE!!!!