Can’t Build Me I’m The Gingerbread House (in a box)!

Can I just eat it and not build it? Eat my house mofo!

Skip the mixing, the rolling pin, the cookie cutter, the oven and the baking and just open the box and EAT the damned crap!

Gingerbread Cottage Cheese!!Yes, nothing goes better with the spicy, sweet flavor of gingerbread than a candy that is so sour it makes you gag and pucker!!

Nerdy Sweet Sour Tart Candy Rotten Teeth Sugar Rush

This sour patch kid looks pissed off because he’s been stuck to the side of a house.

I live in a house sandwiched between two chocolate cookies with cream

Oreo household

Includes Oreo cookies!?! I had NO idea!!!

Just Shut Up You Stupid Salad

The salad doesn’t need a spokesperson. The salad doesn’t even need to speak. 

Just Shut Up Salad

This is copy for copy’s sake. Ya can’t just put a picture of a salad out there and say, “Look at this nice salad.”

Where’s the attitude? Where’s the word play? Where’s the sizzle

(Actually, there shouldn’t be ‘sizzle’ because this is salad and nobody wants their salad sizzling.) 

One picture is worth a thousand calories. One salad is worth … well, whatever they charge for all the toppings, plus tax …  and you’ll need a drink so it’s probably about 13 bucks.

Eggspensive Toppings
eggspensive toppings

Ya need some words that say something, that speak for the salad. So, really, by virtue of the sign and the copy, you’re speaking for the salad, asshole! The salad DOES need a spokesperson! You’re contradicting yourself, Copywriter!!

But can we blame the copywriter? She probably was so sick and tired of coming up with stuff to say about salad she figured she’d do the old switcheroo on us and let the salad do the talking. And, the poor copywriter works for a company called … JUST SALAD!

Just Salad Is All This Is

So really, this is a cry for help from the copywriter. This is basically the copywriter pleading with the world …

DON’T MAKE ME WRITE MORE COPY ABOUT SALAD!!  I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!

And then she reasoned:

I know what to do!!

I will put words in the salad’s mouth.

And you will put the salad on your mouth.

Maybe that was the first draft of this ad. But then the Creative Director looked at it and said,

What the fuck are you talking about? Have you lost your fucking mind?! Now go back and write some proper copy! 

But she couldn’t let go of the talking salad idea. And needed to play it out. And that’s how we wound up with this dreck. By the way, the salad sign is on a thing we call a sandwich board. (more fucked up nonsense).

Salad and Sandwich Board

Oh and what’s with their logo? Why does it look like some kind of diaper or something?

Diaper Salad

Diaper Salad Bowl Poopie

Diaper salad.

Tap, Shop, Use Sushi As Parachute … or something…

The illustrator just lost their mind on this one.

Raw Tuna is a parachute

I’m not sure why a piece of sushi should be used as a parachute to promote a shopping delivery service.

Maybe when you get delivery it’s like a giant piece of raw fish falling from the sky with gumdrop clouds floating and let’s not forget the giant lump of white rice all of which could never slow the descent of a person that jumped from a plane.

Sushichute maybe??

General People Mills Food

Ahh… where to go with this?

People Are Food We Make And Then EAT!

Are they saying:

We are making FOOD, PEOPLE?!! Got that?!!

OR

We are manufacturing a special food which is called “Food People”

OR

We are converting food into people

which means…

WE ARE ALL EATING EACH OTHER

The bottom line:
it means NOTHING!!!

People Are Food We Make And Then EAT!

 

Confetti Is SO Not Fun

That’s why we have Funfetti®!!

Smeat This On A CakeStupid colored bits of paper! That’s not fun. That is trash.

This is trash

Give me something branded.
Give me something I can smear on a cake.
And give me something with a registered trademark!

Registered Funfetti

Screw the children!