I did an entry about a “Lip Balm Tub” which struck me as just the right combination of one syllable words with the letter “P” or “B” in it to make fun of.
Recently, I found even more examples of this marketing madness and it’s madness: Who knew that putting your brand on something for chapped lips could change the world as we know it. My favorites:
THE ENTIRE COLLECTION
(from Totally Promotional dotcom)
As the great advertiser David Ogilvy once said:
Market to chapped lips and your brand will shine.
If you want to reach back to the origins of this, link below.
The original Lip Balm Tub marketing madness
Marketing Skeptic: “I bet you can’t make toilet paper hip.”
Marketing Guru: “I can make blood soaked gauze that covers scabs cool!”
Marketing Skeptic: “I dare you!”
Marketing Guru: “Watch me!”
Admit it. You don’t even know what it is but you want to buy it because the graphics are cool.
With prices like these, you’ll be slashing your wrists just to use them!
When you’re ready to blow 10 to 13 dollars on band aids, everything is insane.
A large conference room with COPYWRITERS 1, 2, 3 and 4 and the BOSS, an all-too-typical balding white guy in his 40s, chewing on pistachios. On the table are a whole lot of colored circular sponges with holes in them.
We WILL NOT be just be another spongey cleaning product!? Yeah there’s a smiley face on it but, so what? This calls for a gimmick. Some kinda name, I wanna personalize it.
Nahh … misogynist
What?! Sounds too much like Butt Wipe
Sounds like some old friend who comes by asking for money!
COPYWRITER 4 (the good copywriter)
What about something cute, like Mommy, Daddy. Scrub Mommy, Scrub Daddy…?
NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’!! Why can’t the rest of you be like Copywriter 4 who always nails it!?
And so, Children of Scrub Mommy and Daddy … that’s the story of how your parents came to be. Now, lights out and sweet dreams……
- OKAY: Everybody’s attention is sliced into so much click bait and streaming media nobody has attention anymore and — oh look shiny objects … what was I saying? Oh yeah, advertisers go hard for eyeballs! “TV! Websites! Celebrities! What about … COFFEE SLEEVES? We can grab ’em there!”
- BUT: Y’know, coffee makes a horrible stain. How do you clean stains? Detergent! But how to make people buy detergent when they’re drinking coffee … and you are NOT allowed to put detergent in their coffee…hmm? How about … we put something on the coffee cup or something.
- AND: Detergent ads: so Old Skool Mad Men. We be cool and hip and do a logo and a website and a rhyme ya “Stain Brain” you, and a gimmick and copy and design and everybody get busy and create! We have awards to win!!
- GO: Make up words. Or play with words. More! MORE!! Letters!! HURRY … campaign … not much time … Coffee Sleeves to printer, run of 87 million!
- PLUS: Gimme some tagline for this all. How about: “Style is an option. Clean is not”
- WAIT: WTF?! Is style an option? Is clean not an option? Why is clean not an option? Could style not be an option? Does you brain have a stain on it trying to reason this through? Hang on … we are not done! Say this out loud with me:
HOORAY!!! Advertising Sells Everything!
Using that mentality, someone over at the Salad Package Design Team came up with this, uh, system to help us, uh, EAT.
Gives new meaning to the expression: “My salad is off the charts!”
Become a Patron!
…but if it shuts them up while we’re shopping, who cares?
Stick with the words copy peoples! I’m trying to resolve this equation and it’s just not coming out.
Do I add the Immune Health + Digestive Health + Gut Health and get Immune Digestive Gut over 3Health?
Add Peach Blended Yogurt + Immune Digestive Gut divided by 3Health or am I dividing the Immune Digestive Gut 3 Health INTO the Peach Blended Yogurt?
And isn’t Peach Blended Yogurt a set whose members are Immune Digestive Gut 3Health? I may be overthinking this one but clearly the copywriter was not thinking.
Because a river view is only as good if it can’t be blocked by, oh, another river view apartment building.
I guess it’s better than saying:
FOOD SHOULD NOT KILL YOU