How Can They Be Mommy and Daddy Without Any Children?

SCENE:
A large conference room with COPYWRITERS 1, 2, 3 and 4 and the BOSS, an all-too-typical balding white guy in his 40s, chewing on pistachios. On the table are a whole lot of colored circular sponges with holes in them.

Mommy Is SOOO Clean!

BOSS:
We WILL NOT be just be another spongey cleaning product!? Yeah there’s a smiley face on it but, so what? This calls for a gimmick. Some kinda name, I wanna personalize it.

COPYWRITER 1:
Cleaning Lady!

BOSS:
Nahh … misogynist

COPYWRITER 2:
Buddy Wipe!!

BOSS:
What?! Sounds too much like Butt Wipe

COPYWRITER 3:
Spongy Friend??

BOSS:
Sounds like some old friend who comes by asking for money!

COPYWRITER 4 (the good copywriter)
What about something cute, like Mommy, Daddy. Scrub Mommy, Scrub Daddy…?

BOSS:
NOW YOU’RE TALKIN’!! Why can’t the rest of you be like Copywriter 4 who always nails it!?

And so, Children of Scrub Mommy and Daddy … that’s the story of how your parents came to be. Now, lights out and sweet dreams……

Can’t Wait For Albanian Eels Next!

Kids dare each other to lick to dog!I can just hear the ideas bouncing around the JellyBelly conference room:

“We are getting killed … KILLED … by Swedish Fish!”

“Quick! Another animal. From another place.”

“Tallahasee Pigs?”

“Nah!”

“Siberian Buffalo?”

“What?!”

“Scottie Dogs”

“Now you’re talking!!”

And Children, THAT’S the true story of how Scottie Dogs came to be!!

 

Actual Dialogue From Catalogue Photo Shoot

This was actual dialogue recorded from the photoshoot for the 2011 Spring/Summer Uline catalogue photoshoot:

This is a model beaver

Fred: “Find somethin’ heavy to put in front of the  wood crates. This is goin’ on the cover.”

Phil: “Huh?  Ahh…throw a cinder block in there!”

Fred: “Cinder block!?  Find something nice!”

Phil: “Nice?!  Who cares!!  Just put anything there!”

Fred: “Hey what about this beaver!!”

Phil: “BEAVER?!”  

Fred: “You said, ‘Anything!!'”

 

Dead Animals. It’s What’s For Dinner

You can always make ’em cute with lots of bright colors.  But they are still, and always will be:

Dead animals that we eat.  

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Yeah, THAT should put your life in order. Being beheaded, then slow roasted so that the meat falls off your bones. Yes indeed!
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Take a good look at this and consider: it is a headless cartoon duck with a tuxedo presenting itself to you on a silver platter. Oh yeah, WITH a stopwatch in the breast pocket and a martini. Yup…that is what you are seeing.

Run Chicky Run! They’re Gonna Kill You!

As noted before, I’m not a fan of depicting the actual animal in cartoon form in my food marketing.  So, although this guy looks happy-ish, he is RUNNING so what does that tell you?  Yes, we understand this may be advertising fast food but seriously?

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The word play is pretty shoddy too.  A better tag line would be:

“More dead animals for your dead presidents”

Cherry Coke – Mandrill Edition

Coca-Cola spends billions on advertising. Maybe even trillions … trust me, it’s a lot of money. So every logo, every package, every piece of copy has been tested, researched, analyzed and designed to flawless diamond precision.

Then what happened here?

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We have Cherry Coke, with your prominent cherries falling from a reddish, almost nuclear winter kinda sky. A little weird but okay. Where are we?
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Just a bunch of monolithic buildings or structures, ominous, eerie. And way over here in one spot is this … this pattern. Looks like a … huh I dunno … mandrill.
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A mandrill.  Yeah that’s right.  c0217dc0d21e45e5c6ed315adb768c53

 

I Can’t Wait To be Slaughtered!

Maybe it’s just me but when I see ads for meat with animals as cartoon characters, I feel worse when they’re made to look happy.

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Pigs don’t smile before they’re slaughtered.  Pigs don’t smile.  Period.

Nightmare For A Chicken

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No imagination here.  What kinda food truck is this beyond that they have chicken?  So, unable to conjure any sorta hook, they just say “Dream Chicken.”  Maybe for you, but for the chicken happily spreading his wings, eyes bulging      …      THIS   IS      NO          DREAM.