Every Lip Balm Sends A Message

I did an entry about a “Lip Balm Tub” which struck me as just the right combination of one syllable words with the letter “P” or “B” in it to make fun of.

Recently, I found even more examples of this marketing madness and it’s madness: Who knew that putting your brand on something for chapped lips could change the world as we know it. My favorites:

THE TIN!!

 

Lanyard Lip Balm

THE LANYARD!!

 

Lippy Carabiner

THE CARABINER!!

 

BALM BALLS LIPS

THE BALLS!!!

 

THE VARIETY!!

 

THE ENTIRE COLLECTION

(from Totally Promotional dotcom)

As the great advertiser David Ogilvy once said:

Market to chapped lips and your brand will shine.

If you want to reach back to the origins of this, link below.

The original Lip Balm Tub marketing madness

 

I Want To Kill Something. Do I Need A Squad Or A Hunter?

From 2 competing direct-mail pieces doing the same damned thing arriving on the same damned day:

MOSQUITO HUNTERS

Hunters Kill ... leave the kids and dog aloneSquads can kill and are more of a team and not has deadly. Lighten up!

VERSUS

MOSQUITO SQUAD

The only good mosquito hunter is a dead mosquito hunter

The only bad mosquito is a live mosquito

Okay, so Mosquito Hunter has a nice sorta Nigel Thornberry (Of the Wild Thornberry’s cartoon) vibe.

Safari Hunter Dude with Australian bush hat

But, really, he’s kinda holding the mosquito like a pet.

Then again, he’s about to crush the bastard.

Why does the Mosquito have a sorta Dracula-ish helmet haircut thing goin?

Squad Guy is a little hipper and a more contemporary feel.

But then … are those … Man Boobs?

Prominent in the Squad piece is … dead bugs. Kinda dark huh?

The only dead bug is a good bug

Whereas the Hunter has a more positive, ethnically-diverse, animal-friendly feeling happening.

You know what though? They are both White Men carrying weapons. The whole thing is a disgrace and I don’t want to have anything to do with them.

Let the Mosquitos take over!

 

Vitamins, Shmitavins! Highlight The Exotic Ingredient

Roman can only make so much money as yet-another-joint-delivering-Viagra-to-your-door, so why not vitamins? BUT, vitamins are so … A, B, B12, C. And if they list out the ingredients that’s just not as cool with the slick graphics and photos.

African Pygmy Stuff So Cool

Why don’t we list this one really exotic ingredient that does who-the-hell-knows what as the very last oneBOOM!

They’ll buy it! Who wouldn’t?

Did Anybody Ask Nature What SHE Thinks?

 

Well I talked to Nature and she said:

“I would never drink soda! I can drink ANY mineral water I want since I created them all! At the end of a long day, however, I do love a fine glass of Chevalier-Montrachet La Cabotte Chardonnay.

“Sierra Mist?? I friggin’ created the real mist IN the Sierras!! There’s no sugar in that! In fact, smartypants, the Sierras are not known for mist as the air rarely gets oversaturated with moisture. Just sayin'”

Exile On Main Street, Apartment 6F, Leave With Doorman

stones_cropped

I think when Home Depot sponsored Nine Inch Nails’ “Sheetrock Tour” the Stones were all:

“WHO DOES TRENT REZNOR THINK HE IS?!  GET US A CORPORATE SPONSOR NOW!!”

other bonus throwaway jokes include:

“Can’t ya hear me knockin’ because this package cannot be delivered without a signature”

“I can’t get no overnight shipping”

“Sympathy For The Bubble Wrap”

“Give my 2 pound package shelter”